Dear Martina

Is cyber sex cheating? I recently discovered that my husband was visiting Sex Sites online while texting various women on his phone. Yes, I did snoop, as he was staying up later and later and we used to always go to bed together. I confronted him about it. I’m not proud of my reaction, I was like a screaming banshee. I just felt so ugly and humilated, and trodden on after all I’ve done for him. He told me that it’s no different than a fantasy, that he will never meet these women and so I really shouldn’t be concerned about his behaviour. He even asked me to join in.

For me, it feels as though all trust has gone. I hate him, I can’t look at him. I’ve had enough! 

Am I over reacting. Is this cheating?

Dear Normal Woman

You are not over reacting. There is a very blurred line between cyber sex and cheating, brought on by the advances in technology, as we can video chat and have virtual sex. Many believe this isn’t the same as real cheating and that’s great for them. If they can accept their partner living out their fantasies in this way then that’s great for them. If you can’t, that’s also fine. We’re complex individuals as humans and as such we all have our likes and dislikes. The fact it makes you uncomfortable is completely fine, and we should be able to live in harmony with a partner while trusting them not to do anything that hurts us. I’m betting you’ve had a conversation about porn before, and your husband knows your views on it. This is probably why he hid it from you. It’s personal choice and you’re well within your rights to decide that you don’t want to live with it. Just like women who see no problem with it, it’s up to the individual. It certainly doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. Far from it. Don’t let him make you feel like a prude or any less of the amazing person you are just because something makes you feel uncomfortable. Would he eat food that brought him out in a rash just to please you? Probably not.

Where you go from here is up to you. You decide what you want your future to look like. Marriage counselling might help you resolve some issues before you take any drastic steps. In my personal opinion, it’s cheating, but I am in the minority!